Maame (Mah-meh), Parenting, and Birthdays

Hello. My name is Lolly, and I belong to two book clubs!

It can be challenging sometimes to be sure I have each respective book pick read by the time each book club meets, but more often than not, I have them read with plenty of time to spare as is the case for this month's book pick for GG's Book Club. This month we are reading Maame by Jessica George. It was a Read with Jenna book pick in February. My Friend of Friends Book Club will be reading it in September! I had a head start, and I took notes because if not I will forget what I read by the time September rolls around.

The basic premise of the book is that parents make mistakes and how those mistakes perpetuate the mistakes our children make. My mom and I were recently having a discussion about not being a "warm and fuzzy" parent. When she reads this she will think, " stop telling our things!" That is exactly what the mom in this book would tell her daughter. I am not telling anything that is earth shattering by the way, Mom. (I love you.) As kids we knew our mother loved us, but she wasn't always hugging on us or always in our business. Some people could interpret that as not caring about your children's involvement in school, extra curricular activities, etc. or it can be seen as giving your children space to exercise their wings as precursors to independent living. I think the bottom line is that there will always be some level of criticism from either the children, the parents, or extended family members as to what was or wasn't done.

My husband and I have determined that our parents did the best they could with what they knew—what they learned from from their parents as they raised us, and our job was to do the best we could or better with what we learned from them and that we were responsible to change the things we didn't agree with so that we parented our children with relevance to the times they were growing up in. One way we have chosen to be different is to be open with our kids —open to conversing with them and instilling in them that we are always available to talk (without it being initiated by us). Something I read the other day said, " A child's shoulders were not meant to bear a parent's responsibilities." I know that in some situations children are sometimes depended upon to step in and help out in families. It happened a lot in families when times were really tough. Kids had to forego school at a certain age to help the family earn money just to survive; some kids had to help with younger siblings as mothers had to cook and clean for the family while the father was out working. It would be wonderful if this didn't have to happen nowadays as frequently as it happened in the past. Unfortunately, it does.

In the book Maame, that is one of the things Maddie, the main character, was charged with. She was the youngest (She had an older brother.), yet everything rested on her shoulders. Her mother would split her time between Ghana and London (one year here , one year there). When Maddie's dad's Parkinson's Disease became more advanced, she was left to deal with everything (house payment, bills, etc.) all by herself. She also had a job she had acquired after she graduated from college. It takes a major life event for Maddie to realize how much she had been taken advantage of by her mother and brother. Her mom called her Maame—in Twi (a language from Ghana) means a term of endearment, but in her case it meant woman. She had taken that to heart! Being responsible at a young age was a major burden on her. In conversations with her mother, she came to find out that her mom had lived through a similar situation with her Maddie's grandfather.

Again, as parents, we do what we think is right based on what we have learned. Is it right? Is it wrong? I believe that is left to the interpretation of those who are affected by the choices made and lived. I do not make excuses for blatant harm or abuse of children. None of that should be experienced by any child. I do think that the problems we continue to see reported on the news need to be addressed in order to stop these horrible things from happening. There is just so much that needs attention. I know that if each us took care of working on healthy relationships within our families, we could reduce the harm some children are faced with. I'm aware that even in happy, healthy families, hard times befall them. Once again, this is where we all need to do our part to be good neighbors to others—helping out by being kind, compassionate—being a part of each other's village. We can make life a little more bearable!

Well that ended heavy so to lighten the mood, I would like to share that our first child turned 25 last week, and she brings us such joy! Neither she nor we (her parents) are perfect. What we have worked hard at is helping her as the first child and then her siblings know that they are loved and safe in their home. That their mom and dad are always championing their individuality, their successes, and their strength to rise up in the face of adversity.AND that we may not always get things right, but we will not give up on either of them.